bigtips

I'm afraid our first fight could end our relationship

by M.T. 'the Big Tipper' Martone

Dear Big Tipper,

I have a lover I've been with for over six months, and everything is shockingly great. Of course, I'm fucked up, so that's what my problem is.

We've never had a fight about anything and that's freaking me. I haven't really gotten mad enough to have a big fight with him, but sometimes I get pissed, and I just think if I say anything, he'll just leave.

He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'd be crazy to say something to him about something that's not happening. I have no way to know what to do. If we just keep on, doing

I met this really amazing person.

With my girlfriend from school, we mostly kissed and then right before she left she slept over at my house and we had sex with our hands, which was insane. I loved it. So now it's been about a week since I met this new girl, and now that I know how good the hands

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things the easy way so we're not fighting, it would be calm, but how can I know that he won't just dump me if we fight?

Fighting Chance

Dear Lover's Not a Fighter,

There are plenty of reasons why boyfriend and you may not have yet had a fight. Maybe he's afraid to fight. Maybe he's just a placid guy. Or boring. Maybe you have a history of drama queen lovers, and your expectation of hissy fits is unusually high.

Eventually you'll have a fight, so don't hold back if something's really bothering you. There's a difference between just not being aggravated enough to fight, which is pretty classic honeymoon stage behavior, and stuffing down your need to say something that may cause conflict out of fear that your relationship can't weather it.

I'm a terrible fighter who really doesn't like to argue at all, and I've come to learn (although will never enjoy) what a relief it is to know that a blowup doesn't mean It's Over. It can mean "I'm pissed at you," or "I've had a shitty day," or "Wash my whites with something red again, and your ass is grass."

It's natural for people to get angry at each other. It's important, of course, to be able to talk about the fight as soon afterwards as possible, so you're not stewing in old stagnant anger. And do talk to him about this, if it is really making you anxious. It doesn't have to be a big Conversation. Plus, he might find your nervousness cute, and you'll have a little extra sex.

Honey, don't trouble trouble 'til trouble troubles you. It'll happen soon enough, and it'll be nice to hearken back to the early, oblivious, starry-eyed days.

Dear Big Tipper,

First of all, I'd like to tell you and all of your readers that I have very good selfesteem, I am sixteen, and I've been out since the beginning of last school year. I had a girlfriend this spring, but when she went away for the summer, I thought it was a good opportunity to date other girls, and I'm really glad we decided that was okay, because

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felt, I want that and more. I want to grab her head and shove it right down there, and I want to do the same to her, but I'm really nervous.

I know what to do from looking online and reading books, and I know that you can't get good if you don't just do it, but how do you get someone to want to do it? I'm pretty sure she wants to, because she's always grabbing at me, and putting her hands up my shirt and down the top of my pants when we're kiss-

ing. What if I try, and she's disgusted? What if I'm disgusted? What if there's something disgusting about me that I don't know? Open Up and Say Aaahh?

Dear Love Snack,

What if you like it so much the lower half of your face chaps? I'm thinking that "getting her to want to do it" isn't really an issue. (I'm also seeing you reading this answer to your letter long after your concerns have "been addressed.")

If memory serves me correctly, all of my fear about "what if I try to unzip her pants and she's horrified? What if I smell like an old fish tank? How do you get from point A to point B?" were not worth worrying about. If you are somewhere that full-on sex can actually occur, and if you have a good kissing thing going on, and she's already up your shirt, it'll escalate, and you'll be on the fast train to oral sex town in very short order.

Then those earlier concerns will be replaced with ones like "How do I get this hair out of my throat?”

Because I'm old, I feel compelled to tell you, hormone-addled as you are, to remember that it's better to take your pants off somewhere that you are physically safe, and to talk to girlfriend before you dive.

This is a conversation that I've had very quickly, but I've made sure to have almost every time: "I just want to let you know that I'm HIV-negative and don't have herpes or any other STDs that I know of (alter this statement to match what you know to be true about yourself), how about you?"

It needs to be late enough in the frenzy that you don't lose momentum, but early enough that you can shift gears to hands in gloves, or face through plastic wrap if you need to. (It's always great if you can have four gloves and a hank of Saran Wrap in your pocket.)

Don't worry. And whatever isn't perfect the first time (if anything), will get better with practice.

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

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